Have you ever pondered on the differences of marriages in society and why one marriage thrives over another? What is the formula for success that ensures a marriage to last through “sickness and health, the good times and the bad, etc”? Is there a special ingredient that affirms commitment of marriage to withstand all challenges that beset it? I think perhaps the difference is the perception of the two parties that enter marriage…are they entering a marriage covenant or a marriage contract?
Elder Bruce C. Hafen, of the Seventy, gave a talk entitled, “Covenant Marriage” (Ensign, Nov 1996, 26) where he talked about the importance of covenant marriages and why they are so essential in the world today. He said, “Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will.” Further, of marriage he declared, “When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to Go. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.”
This idea had a profound impact on me as I considered my own perspective and personal commitment to my husband of over 20 years. Fortunately, we chose to make sacred covenants with God and each other, to be sealed in a holy temple for time and eternity. This was extremely important to me, as I consider myself a loyal person and I had faith in my husband to reciprocate that loyalty regardless of obstacles that might challenge our love and devotion to each other. We chose to make a covenant with each other to work together through all things and strive to have our family unit last forever.
Before we got married, my husband shared something his father had taught him from the time he was little. He told him, “If you have an out, when the going gets tough, you will take the out.” He simply meant, if you have another option besides fighting through the trench of difficulty, you will take the easy road every time if you see there is an option. His father desired for my husband to apply that to life, and especially marriage, when it gets really hard and sometimes unbearable. He reminded him, “the fight for right is worth it; it helps you grow and become more a man than you could be without it.” Fighting for marriage is worth it and striving to keep a commitment to someone for mortality is worthy of every sacrifice, fostering charity and forgiveness as the Savior taught.
Society could use more covenant keepers of marriages—people that viewed marriage with deep commitment and devotion as opposed to a contract that can easily be broken with a signature. In his talk, Elder Hafen mentioned three wolves that plague marriages at some point: natural adversity, imperfections, and excessive individualism. The latter was more profound to me than the others because we often cannot control adversity and there is much to be learned about ourselves in recognizing our imperfections.
Excessive individualism, is indeed, a plague to marriages today. The adversary has created an individual mindset of selfishness within people to do what is best for themselves in any situation. A feeling of entitlement and self-serving attitude has been fostered in society, ensuring one has enough “me time”, with great consideration to what I am getting from the relationship rather than what I am giving to it. Over time, the focus shifts from selflessly loving and serving one’s companion to serving one’s self and seeking to fulfill personal appetites and passions at any cost. I feel this is where the contract marriage comes into play, because when there is no true commitment, as a covenant, it is considered acceptable to break the marriage contract and seek another with someone else who might be more accommodating. This brings me sadness when I see it happen to good families who lose focus on the purpose of marriage and family relations.
My family was disheartened to learn of a good family we had grown to love torn apart by the excessive individualism that plagued both the husband and wife. We witnessed both living lives of self-gratification that naturally drew their focus away from one another. Soon they were overcome by enticements outside their marriage and became less satisfied with what was within their marriage and family. The children suffered the most and their confidence in marriage and eternal families was eventually shattered. The testimonies of all of them grew dim and attention from the world quickly overshadowed the gospel light of love and eternal families. It was a progressive downward slope we saw them enduring, and despite our best efforts to listen and love, their hearts grew bitter and cold and they all turned entirely away from their covenants. My heart hurt for this eternal family striving to endure mortality and overcome by Satan’s evil tactics.
The Savior taught in Matthew 19:6, “what therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder”. In Moses 1:39 the Savior said, “Behold this is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” God wants his children to make sacred covenants with him and keep them. These covenants allow husbands and wives to be sealed together eternally, binding families together, through priesthood keys that have been restored to the earth. In D&C 132:6, we read about the new and everlasting covenant and how the Lord said it “…was instituted for the fullness of my glory.” We can enjoy all that God enjoys by making and keeping the sacred covenants of marriage.
Imagine the 3 sides or points of a triangle. When we include God into our marriage, it looks like a triangle. God is at the top and husband and wife are on the two bottom corners. As husband and wife both look to God and focus on Him and His work, striving to work together to become better, they get closer to God. I have found this to be true in my own life. By including God in our marriage, we can endure the challenges of mortality and marriage, thus keeping our covenant with our spouse, with God’s help. Anyone who strives to apply this principle will find it works every time, because God wants all of his children to have all that he has! Lastly, something that would be good to remember is this: while contracts are for mortality, covenants are for eternity.
Marriage Matters 